Filed under: Ken's Counseling Tips | Tags: adolescents, brains, family, parenting, teenager, teens
October 17, 2011
Your 17 year old son was arrested for doing 137 mph on a two lane “deserted” road that he thought was safe; or, your 15 year old daughter freaks out because she may be pregnant; Or your neighbor says he called the cops after “one hell of a party” erupted last weekend in your onceprivate home and castle with in-ground pool. You thought your kids could be left alone while taking an “adult only” weekend by the sea. But those lovely memories are quickly being dashed to pieces when you discover that 70 drunken kids invaded your personal space and were diving off the roof into the pool below. Now, you are shocked, overwhelmed and angry! How could your kid who usually seems so responsible do such stupid stuff? You set out the house rules; and issued threats of dire consequences if those rules are broken. What went wrong? Most likely, you just haven’t fully appreciated the amazing adaptability of a teenage brain and how it works.
Brains in process: Although children’s brains reach 90% of their size by age 6, brains undergo a massive re organization between the ages of 12 and 25. By age 13-15 teenage brains are running 100X faster than the brain of a young child, and capable of greater memory and decision making processes,complex thinking skills. The brain of a 20 year old work just as fast as an adult brain does, because the neurological networks have become thicker and more developed. But what parents need to keep in mind is that, no matter how smart your kid is or how responsible she seems at home, she is still coping with a brain that is a work in progress. This is why teens can be so darned inconsistent, full of energy one day and exhausted the next, semi nocturnal, sleeping until noon, moody, impulsive, brilliant, sweet and ready to take greater risks that any adults who value sanity. Scientists have called this “neurological gawkiness,” which is pretty similar to the physical awkwardness of young teens getting used to their fast growing bodies. In this case, they are trying out their rapidly accelerating brains.
Risk taking: increases greatly from ages 15-25, (greatest years of risk being 14-17) which is why so many teenagers have horrible auto accidents, or begin using drugs, drinking and smoking in these early years. Unfortunately many of these early thrills can turn into adult habits that are often regrettable. When the teenage brain encounters thrill or pleasure, it unloads a whopping does of Dopamine, (the feel good neurotransmitter) and since teens are naturally stimulated by excitement and novelty, they respond best to rewards. What parents need to realize is that the teenage brain values PAYOFF much more than PUNISHMENT. They will take greater risk, because it will get them what they desire….which is a thrill, the buzz…or increased social status. Most parents hope and pray that their kids don’t do something so risky that it will permanently injure or cut short their budding futures.
Peer influence. In Washington State there is a newer law that does not allow a beginning driver to have any other peers in the car for the first 6 months they have a license. The reasons for this are many-fold but one reason is that the teen brain picks up
social cues that produce more oxytocin, (a hormone) in social situations, and as a result they will take twice as many risks with peers watching than they would if they were alone. Conversely, adolescents can perceive social rejection as a literal threat to their
existence which may explain why your 16 year old daughter had a huge melt down after not being invited to a popular girl’s party. If she is acting as if her life depended on it, it is probably how she feels; and she will attempt to do ANYTHING to be accepted as one of the ‘cool kids’. Remember, teens take more risks NOT because they don’t understand the dangers or consequences, but because they weigh risk vs. reward differently than adults. In this case being socially cool and accepted is more than enough motivation to
push the boundaries.
What’s a parent to do? Studies have shown that when parents engage and guide their teens with a light but steady hand, and stay connected while allowing independence, their kids generally do much better in life. Teenage brains love learning new things; and although they often prefer to learn things from their peers, they also desire to be guided by their parents, when THEY are in the mood! A wise parent learns to spot those moments open to parental wisdom, and uses them with finesse. Parental talking points come off best, not in the form of a heavy handed lecture, but as a person who remembers how he or she made sense of the adult world as they first encountered it. Although teens DO need to understand and value their parent’s perspective; they are simultaneously trying to make sense of the world they are beginning to encounter which is different than the world parents were launched in 25 years ago.
Your teen needs a parental ally who is gentle, but firm and points a guiding hand forward in life, while understanding that the teenage brain just isn’t able to handle the social influences and temptation of having a house with a pool all to themselves, or the fastest car on the block. Wise parents will quickly learn to say; “Honey we DO trust you most of the time ….but we aren’t going to burden you by leaving the best party house in town untended, (this will your insurance agent sigh with relief!) Yes, you STILL have a curfew so you get enough rest, and I’m sorry but….no one in this family is getting a BMW M-3 for a long, long time!”
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